Blog switch

Posted in Uncategorized on November 1, 2009 by teresatolle

This blog was done in happier times, so I might not be on it for awhile. New blog is TFCowgrl.wordpress.com.

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The opportunity to fix past mistakes…

Posted in Uncategorized on August 18, 2009 by teresatolle

So it’s been almost three months since we reconnected, and after spending a fantastic week together, he’s gone back home and I am…still sad. I don’t get it. I can understand the crying jag after I left the airport terminal, and the teary-eyed drive home (the fact that I didn’t get into an accident is testimony to my superior driving skills), but the funk thay has stayed with me is out of character for me. Or is it? I’ve only felt this way once in my life and it’s when I knew him before-and I ran away from him then because the feelings were so strong and I knew (or thought I did) that he could never love me the way I love him. So instead of sticking around back then to see how it played out, I ran so that he couldn’t destroy me by eventually leaving me. Why should it be any different now? This ache in my heart is so painful, this separation from him is creating a desolation that I can’t fathom. And I don’t want to say anything to him about it because in my experience, men just don’t like to hear that someone yearns for them like that. They get scared and run. I couldn’t live through that, I think. So what do I do? I honestly can’t picture my life without him now, so that leaves out me running this time. And although he tells me how much he loves me, how much he wants to marry me, how much he wants to be the father of my children, there is still a part of me that doesn’t trust pretty words, that only believes in actions. Oh if only my divorce had been final while he was here, I would have run to the courthouse when he asked, and married him. And although Sarajane had promised a hand-fasting ceremony, the chance to do it never materialized…but I can’t function the way I am right now, and I don’t see how I can pull myself out of this pit that I’m in. All of my old tricks that I learned to yank myself out of depression are not working. All I want to do is talk to him, reassure myself that he’s not going to disappear on me, and have him tell me that he really DOES want me.

Whatever the case may be, I’m not running this time. The feelings and emotions are ten-fold what they were back in high school, but despite that, depsite the fear I have of being so…raw and vulnerable and open to devastation, I am going to stick with him, and let it play out. All I can do is ask God for strength, and pray that his words are true. I need to trust him, believe him when he tells me he loves me and wants to be with me for the rest of our lives.

Revisiting that love thing….

Posted in Uncategorized on June 8, 2009 by teresatolle

Can you fall in love with someone in a day? What if that someone was a person you knew back when? Someone you hadn’t seen in 17 years, when you were shorter, thinner (much thinner) and a stupid, young girl. What if that person was the basis of your ideal? The man that you have spent 17 years comparing every man to. What if he shows up out of the blue one day, a message in your in-box, requesting to be friends? All those old feelings come flooding back…so strong. And you do a little happy dance, clapping your hands, so excited that he FOUND YOU. That he was actually LOOKING for you. You realize, actually have an EPIPHANY, that he’s the guy…subconsiously, you’ve been in love with him for years. Is that even possible? How does that happen? Before you click that link (we all know what link that is), visions of happily ever after dance in your head, your life planned out before you. The two of you blissfully happy…but wait, you’ve not even talked to him yet.

So you send the message to him, “Hey, how’ve you been, looking good”, yadayadayada, praying he answers you that he’s been secretly in love with you for all these years, hoping against hope, knowing it’s almost futile. You wait for what seems an eternity, but it’s really less than a few hours. His answer comes back in your in-box, so you click that magic link again, and lo and behold, he’s online…you can actually talk to him.

That’s the start. Two hours later, you’re floating on a cloud…the impossible happened. He not only has loved you all these years, but he has perfect recall of the first time he met you…the first time you kissed…and not just the emotions, but what you were wearing, how your hair smelled (he remembers the actual SHAMPOO that you used back then), what you taste like…

You reluctantly go to bed, it’s now three o’clock in the morning, and you’ve been talking to him for hours. You convince yourself it’s a dream, he can’t be real, he’s better than you even remember him…and those pictures online show you that the cute boy you lost your heart to all those years ago is now a very handsome man. It’s too good to be true. You did, however, give him your cell phone number, and he has promised to text you.

You wake up the next morning to the sound of your phone going off. You look at the display, your eyes not believing what they’re seeing. It’s a text…from him. Saying Good Morning. So begins a whirlwind romance. Texting constantly throughout the day, meeting online, talking in quick snatches. He loves you, you’ve been in his mind all these years. He’s your ideal, you are his. It seems as though he was made specifically for you. The same interests, the same sense of humor, the same everything, with just enough opposites to make it interesting. He’s everything that you could want in a partner, friend, lover….the only thing stopping you is distance. You don’t even live in the same state…

So is it possible? Is it too good to be true? After all the losers and knights in tinfoil, could you have finally found that perfect someone?

This business of love

Posted in Uncategorized on May 24, 2009 by teresatolle

I hate the whole falling in love thing. I know, funny, right? I’m a romance writer and I hate falling in love. It’s not that I hate love, I hate all the issues that crop up when you’re in the process of falling. Will he call? Why isn’t he calling? Am I not pretty enough? Am I not thin enough? Did I shave my legs?

When you’re not falling in love, when you’re just going about your business on a day to day basis, issues like that are there, but not front and center like little devils in your ear. I mean, on a regular day, if you sent a friend a text, and they hadn’t responded to you in a couple of hours,you would think, like any rational person, that maybe they were busy, maybe at work,maybe in a hostage negotion…okay, maybe not that, but you get the picture. But when it’s the guy that you’re falling for, and he hasn’t responded back to your text (when the bastard said he would text you), then the world is over because he thinks you’re fat/ugly/stupid/socially awkward and you want to cry into a bowl of ice cream or a bag of kettle corn.

That’s the part I hate. Falling in love turns rational, confident people into total basket cases. If that return text doesn’t come in 15 minutes, your thought process still resembles something rational. At the half hour mark, you start to stress, you check to make sure you actually sent the text and a crease forms on your forehead because now you’re frowning. At the one hour mark, you may start to get pissed off, and you say things like “Whatever, didn’t want to talk to you anyway” when inside, you’re a mass of nerves. Did you piss him off? Say something offensive? Even when it’s something as simple as “Do you want to meet tonight?”

At the two hour mark…you’re postal. Thoughts range from “OMG he’s dead in a plane crash!” to “I knew I shouldn’t have posted those pictures on Facebook, he DOES think I’m ugly!!!”. You tell yourself that you don’t care what he thinks anyway, and if that’s how he wants to be, then you’re better off without him…knowing in the back of your mind that there is probably a very good reason as to why he hasn’t answered you yet and it’s not because he doesn’t like how you look in a hat.

IT’S INSANE PEOPLE! We should not put ourselves through this! There has got to be a better way to fall in love! Master the mind, calm the crazies, go about your normal business. If he answers, he answers. If he doesn’t , then it’s better to know at the beginning, right? He may just not be interested, and in that case, you’re better off moving on.

Shiny!

Posted in Uncategorized on May 22, 2009 by teresatolle

So I went to my publisher’s website last night, feeling a little low as we just came home from a funeral, and there on the coming soon page was a Coming Soon cover with my book title and name under it. Can I say that it was uplifting? It was every great feeling that you can have in life, wrapped up in four little words!

Yeah for Kris!!

Posted in Uncategorized on May 21, 2009 by teresatolle

I’m spreading the internet love for our hometown boy, Kris Allen, the new American Idol!! I can say I knew him when, lol!! WOOT!! KRIS ALLEN ROCKS!!

Shout out…

Posted in Uncategorized on May 19, 2009 by teresatolle

I was thinking today on my lunch break (which is weird; I usually try to drown myself in a good book at lunch) that this whole dream of mine that’s coming true is surrealistic. I keep trying to get myself in that “author” mind set, and I can’t. Mostly because I don’t know what that mind set is, exactly. I want to think, “Hey, I’m a published author” (complete with a wink), but I keep thinking that if I go there, it will all be taken away. I mean, who am I? I’m just some working-class chick, from working-class parents, that plugs away at an 8-6 pm job, gets up in the morning, puts on the coffee, steps over animals underfoot, spills coffee on the animals underfoot, goes to work, comes home, then dabbles on her computer at night in her own little world. Why would someone want to read what I write? Why would anyone want to get swept away in the worlds that I create?

Then I remind myself that my literary heroes, Stephen King and Nora Roberts, probably thought that way, too. They get up in the morning, make coffee, etc, etc…I may not be in the same universe as them in the vaunted halls of publishing, but I sure as hell am going to try. So here’s to you, Stephen King and Nora Roberts-thank you for inspiring a young girl who turned into a woman on the cusp of getting her first book published. You are my heroes.