The opportunity to fix past mistakes…
So it’s been almost three months since we reconnected, and after spending a fantastic week together, he’s gone back home and I am…still sad. I don’t get it. I can understand the crying jag after I left the airport terminal, and the teary-eyed drive home (the fact that I didn’t get into an accident is testimony to my superior driving skills), but the funk thay has stayed with me is out of character for me. Or is it? I’ve only felt this way once in my life and it’s when I knew him before-and I ran away from him then because the feelings were so strong and I knew (or thought I did) that he could never love me the way I love him. So instead of sticking around back then to see how it played out, I ran so that he couldn’t destroy me by eventually leaving me. Why should it be any different now? This ache in my heart is so painful, this separation from him is creating a desolation that I can’t fathom. And I don’t want to say anything to him about it because in my experience, men just don’t like to hear that someone yearns for them like that. They get scared and run. I couldn’t live through that, I think. So what do I do? I honestly can’t picture my life without him now, so that leaves out me running this time. And although he tells me how much he loves me, how much he wants to marry me, how much he wants to be the father of my children, there is still a part of me that doesn’t trust pretty words, that only believes in actions. Oh if only my divorce had been final while he was here, I would have run to the courthouse when he asked, and married him. And although Sarajane had promised a hand-fasting ceremony, the chance to do it never materialized…but I can’t function the way I am right now, and I don’t see how I can pull myself out of this pit that I’m in. All of my old tricks that I learned to yank myself out of depression are not working. All I want to do is talk to him, reassure myself that he’s not going to disappear on me, and have him tell me that he really DOES want me.
Whatever the case may be, I’m not running this time. The feelings and emotions are ten-fold what they were back in high school, but despite that, depsite the fear I have of being so…raw and vulnerable and open to devastation, I am going to stick with him, and let it play out. All I can do is ask God for strength, and pray that his words are true. I need to trust him, believe him when he tells me he loves me and wants to be with me for the rest of our lives.
